Christwire On The Bear Movement

Apparently it all started with Gilligan and the Skipper.

Gilligan, also know as the Skipper’s “Little Buddy,” would be classified as a “Cub” in gay vernacular. A cub is slight of frame and a bit dimwitted. He is submissive to his master, both intellectually and physically. In practice, he is the feminine homemaker and recipient of sodomy during erotic intercourse. Gilligan’s lithe, hairless body fits perfectly against the Skipper’s hairy barrel chest. His goofy antics give his master ample opportunity to take control, to keep this boy’s juvenile nature in check with harsh commands and brute force.

Clearly, Gilligan played his role as “First Mate” to Skipper to a T. It is not surprising, then, to see that each episode of Gilligan’s Island concluded with these two men retiring to the hushed privacy of their conjugal hut, far from the eyes of normal society, fumbling against each other with curious intent as the studio lights fade, suggesting the darkest exile of human indecency where any sort of sweaty violation might follow. Yet the show always quickly cut away from this sensual wonderland with a saccharine soundtrack in a simplistic attempt to reassure its heterosexual viewers that nothing untoward was intended.

Read the full article.

Christwire On JMG

Christwire has some fun at my expense.

Rest assured that God’s belly churns and is sickened by every mention of this sacrilege leather daddy who calls himself God and ruler. Every day, Joe writes homosexual erotica that masquerades as journalism, on his website JoeMyGod.com. The very name of the site is smeared in the fecality of homosexual sins, so it is no surprise that it is putridly offensive to the sensibilities of the normal folks of America.

Read the full article.

Porno Pete As Allen Ginsberg

The hilarious folks at Christwire have outdone themselves with today's entry in which they rewrite Allen Ginsberg's classic poem Howl from the perspective of Peter LaBarabera. It begins:

I saw the greatest hopes of my Christian nation destroyed by homosexuality, penetrating, violating and ejaculating, faith leaders and all-American jocks prowling Castro nights for angry leather studs, suburban hipsters sparking ganja joints as they click through the skanky dilemma of Craigslist at 3am, who Pumas and Chinese tattoos and herbal teas sat up contemplating lubricants and Lady Gaga, who bared their buttocks on webcams and saw millionaire Manhattan sugar daddies conspiring to overturn the U.S. Constitution, who passed through liberal universities with radiant allowances, hallucinating a Clintonian dynasty, who danced fiercely at afterhours clubs, tasting the heights of depraved sodomistic orgies of feces and urine for the first time, who burned away that last shred of decency without even bothering to listen as mothers cried on the other end of the phone, who consumed every word Rachel Maddow ever spoke, liberalism, or prostituted this nation’s future night after night with blog posts, with protests, with Pelosi, with waking nightmares, Veuve Clicquot and Creole crawfish dip and endless fundraising balls, incomparably blind state legislatures voting to legalize sodomy, homosexual marriage, and the utter destruction of all 6,000 years of human history.....

Somebody totally needs to perform this on YouTube. Go read the entire thing. It still kills me that so many of Christwire's readers aren't in on the joke.

RELATED: If you are unfamiliar with Howl and its unique pacing, you might want to read the original first.

Nominations Open For 2011 Bloggies

Yesterday nominations opened for the 2011 Bloggies and for the first time there is a Best Religion Blog category. I suggest the hilarious satire site, Christwire, whose writers even befuddled the New York Times this year. There's also a first-time category for Best Parenting Blog. What would be a good gay parenting blog to nominate?

Christwire's JMG Pulp Novel

Christwire's Stephenson Billings has created a fleet of amusing pulp novel covers taking jabs at various bloggers, websites, and personalities.

I am opening the door to their obsessions and predilections, their narcissism and their lust, the very things that they are too afraid to admit to themselves. If today’s so-called artists and thinkers had the energy and wherewithal to actually write something in long form worthy of paper as opposed to their nagging Twitter updates or their blog tirades, this is what they’d write.

Loves it.

New York Times Outs Christwire

Today the New York Times does what numerous other publications have tried and failed to do, they've gotten the guys behind Christwire to come clean.

Christwire has lately reached new levels of popularity, in part thanks to an Aug. 14 column, “Is My Husband Gay?” Written by Stephenson Billings, the piece is a 15-point checklist to help wives diagnose possibly closeted husbands. “Gym membership but no interest in sports” is one warning sign. So is “Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends” and “Love of pop culture.” “Is My Husband Gay?” was picked up on The Huffington Post and mentioned by Ryan Seacrest on his radio show; so far it has been viewed 8.3 million times. Oh, by the way: Christwire is all one big joke. Not the readership — which hit a high of 27 million page views in August — but the content, the opinions and the fake authors who write the stuff. (There is no “Stephenson Billings.”) Neither of the two founders is a conservative Christian. They are just like-minded 28-year-olds who met on the Internet, have never seen each other in person, and until this week had never given their real identities to a reporter. Bryan Butvidas is a software developer who works out of his house in Southern California. Kirwin Watson is a former Pepperdine student who moved back home in Kansas, where he now works “on the patient-care staff” of a local hospital. According to phone interviews with both men, they met online in 2005, when both were contributing to the news aggregator Shoutwire.com.

I've exchanged some emails with the guy writing as Stephenson Billings, who remains anonymous in the Times article. Last week another well-known New York publication wrote me several times in an attempt to divine Billings' true identity, asking me if he ever "broke character" during our email exchanges.

Daily Grumble

I know I've already told you at least three or four times, but Christwire is a freekin' parody site, people. A very fucking hilarious parody site. But thanks for your outraged emails. It just goes to prove how brilliant Stephenson Billings is.

Christwire On George Rekers

Hilarious parody site Christwire on the Dr. George Rekers scandal:

The proof of Dr. Rekers’ heterosexuality is in his supreme fight against the radical gay agenda. His deeds– his Evangelical writings and teachings– affirm a life lived under Christ’s laws. The power of his righteousness shines on the faces of the thousands upon thousands of people he has touched and inspired to rebel against their worst homosexual desires. A few sordid acts could never refute such a lifetime of glory. Dr. George Rekers is and forever will be a true and beautiful heterosexual, despite what tales are pawned off in your local blogs and newspapers. God has made none straighter. The gays shall lay no claim to him. He is one of us! Even if, by chance, some unfortunate same-sex tryst happened there in the teeming alleyways of Madrid or on the bleached shores of Costa Brava, under a starry Andalucian night, or on a brisk Basque morning, whatever did happen Dr. George Rekers will forever remain a righteous heterosexual in our hearts!

Righteous!