Pastor Jim Garlow: This Is What Obama Should Have Said At His SOTU

"I have tragically hastened to destroy the No. 1 preserver of all that is good in society – the family, consisting of a mother and a father. In my need to be politically correct, and my desire to garner more votes from the nuclear family attackers, I was drawn in to their errors and sins of redefining the family. I am ashamed of this. I am sorry. I ask for forgiveness.

"I have helped to demoralize the military that defends us. I ran roughshod over 59% of the US Marines when I forced my social experimentation upon them, coercing them to accept lifestyles as normative, with no thought of troop readiness and cohesion. I was drawn in to the errors, lies and sins of political correctness, at the expense of truth. I am ashamed of this. I am sorry. I ask for forgiveness." - Manhattan Declaration co-author Pastor Jim Garlow, from his reimagining of the State Of The Union Address, were the president not a Marxist Kenyan friend-to-sodomites.

RELATED: In the past Garlow has announced that Satan loves gay marriage, that God passed Prop 8 because he fasted, and that the nation's Christians should pick up a musket and rise against homosexuals.

Quote Of The Day - Rick Tyler

"It’s time to think out of the box, and we can succeed. Just this past year, we notched a huge victory in Iowa against the three judges that superseded the will of the people by imposing their own agenda upon the Constitution. Christians have a warrior in Bob Vander Plaats, who led the fight that resulted in sending three judges home after they grossly overreached their constitutional role in redefining marriage. We must show other judges who have forgotten the constitutional constraints that there are consequences for their actions. Make your voice heard. Watch your email for our ReAL Action Alert. We’re going to tell the Ninth Circuit that their services are no longer required." -Rick Tyler, chairman of Newt Gingrich's Renewing American Leadership, saying his group will somehow eliminate the entire Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals.

The Christianist blogosphere is roiling with anger this week over the Ninth Circuit Court's ruling that San Diego's Mt. Soledad Cross violates the separation of church and state. The status of the cross has been the subject of lawsuits for decades. In 2007, the California Supreme Court ruled that it was constitutional for the city to transfer the land under the cross to the federal government. This week the Ninth Circuit overturned that decision.

CORRECTION: In the first version of this post, I wrongly attributed the above quote to Pastor Jim Garlow of Skyline Wesleyan Church in San Diego, who is part of Gingrich's group. In fact, Garlow will be leading the planned protest against the Ninth Circuit Court's decision. My apologies.

Jim Garlow: Satan Loves Gay Marriage

Three-time Hairpiece Olympics gold medalist Pastor Jim Garlow tells his followers that Satan himself is behind the national marriage equality movement. Oh, and all that fucking done on Earth is nothing like the Celestial Orgy you'll have with Jeebus.

Think of the best marriage you know of on Earth and God is so gracious he says I want you to have an appetizer for the main course so I'm going to establish male and female coming together on Earth and the ecstasy and joy that you experience spiritually, physically, and emotionally, that oneness, that's a depiction of what it's going to be like because you can't grasp because it's a mystery what it's like when Jesus and the church come together. [snip]

People say why is there not sexual expression in Heaven? There's the delight and joy equivalency of that as we delight in, literally, the presence of God. It will be an amazing, absolutely amazing moment. That is why we use marital bed language to talk about this, we talk about the consummation of history, the climax of history. Those are languages associated with the marital bed that is now associated with history. So if I were Satan, if I were the Devil, I'd want to destroy the imagery of male and female coming together with light and joy, covenantal marriage on Earth, so people would not grasp what it might be like at the End Time, what it will be like when Jesus and the church come together.

PhoboQuotable - Pastor Jim Garlow

"When these pastors would complete their sermons, they would take off their black robes -- they preached in vestments at those times - and underneath that would be the attire of military. They would pick up a musket and ask: 'Who's going to go fight with me?' And so the revolutionary armies during that time came from pastors leading the churches. It's known as the Blacked-Robed Regiment. And we need a black-robed regiment today. We need pastors who are willing to stand up. And we need persons who are in the pews to stand up with them -- a black-robed regiment of laypersons -- who's going to take a like stand." - Manhattan Declaration co-author Pastor Jim Garlow, calling on the nation's Christians to rise up against homosexuals and other equality-minded people.

For those unaware, the Manhattan Declaration calls on Americans to disobey all LGBT rights laws. Garlow and his followers just completed a 40-day period of fasting and prayers that Jeebus will see fit to smite the gay rights movement.